Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
