I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I forget how to act sober
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
