I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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