sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
