Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
