Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
