he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
