Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
