I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
