You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
