you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
True strength comes from lack of pants
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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