What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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