I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
