Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Im part way to drunk.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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