He called his prostate his "boner button".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize