I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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