I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
