I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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