I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
