How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
