i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
