You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
