My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
