I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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