i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
