i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
