A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
