I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my shit smells like andre
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
