I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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