I think my fart just growled at me.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
