it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
