Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
