i need an iv and a liver transplant
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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