I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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