i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
worst night to have a conscience
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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