we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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