Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
