I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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