Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
