Can i not drive my cunt home
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
