So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
