I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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