Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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