No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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