Me too!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
