The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
worst night to have a conscience
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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