He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Can't talk, ducks in the car
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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