it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
