I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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