cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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