I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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