he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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