I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
