you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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