Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
