He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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