dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
