She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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